Twitlight: A twilight parody
by Kaki Enirtle
Summary: Twilight was a boring read. Maybe this is how Twilight should have sounded like. This is just for fun. Rated T for language and maybe some dialogue. By the way, I recently made a New Moon parody. New Noob
1. Chapter 1

**I own nothing (thank god). i just wanted to make a parody on how i feel twilight should sound like. it's still basically the same plot (or lack thereof) but hopefully more interesting.**

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I've never really given much thought as to how i'd die. Other people did that for me. But dying in the place of a minor character who I didn't really respect seemed like a good enough way to die. My name is Isabella Swan. But don't call me Isabella or else my eye twitches like crazy. I only like Bella. I've been sent by my mom to live with my dad because she couldn't stand me anymore and would rather live happily as a cougar marrying a rockstar. My dad lives in Forks, the wettest place ever. I have little to no respect for my dad, so I call him Charlie, but not to his face. Since, as I said, Forks was wet and rainy, the only hand carry item I had with me was a piss yellow parka and a cactus. I didn't want to look lame.

The ride to Charlie's house was awkward. Charlie was a chief police officer. He wears his uniform where ever he goes.  
"I found the perfect car for you," Charlie told me. "It was cheap and it's barely functional"  
"Thanks Ch--Dad. Should I pay you?" I asked him.  
"HA! I got it free. From Billy, you remember Billy? My bromance?" Charlie looked at my face to see if I remembered, almost hitting a boy scout with the car.  
"Uh. No. Billy?"  
"Yeah, we used to go fishing with him." He reminded me. No wonder I forgot. I didn't like remembering crap like that. Especially fishing. I didn't answer him and the rest of the ride was in silence.

Pulling up to Charlie's house, I saw it. It was a red truck. There were dents everywhere and a graffiti on the side that said "Loosen Up!" Whatever that meant. "It's perfect! I love it!" I jumped up and down like a kid in a candy store. Charlie chuckled and led me to the house.  
"Well you know where your room is, so I just won't help you, proving that I am an unfit parent who doesn't give a damn about my child." He informed me, pointing up stairs.  
"K thanks bye"

My room had not changed a bit. It was still colored a puke lavander colour and was filled with posters of Dora. It felt like home. One major problem. This house had only one bathroom, which I would have to share with Charlie. But oh well, that won't be given much light. I was a boring person, so instead of doing something fun like randomly driving to places I'd never go to with Charlie, I moped around the house with my eye twitching.


	2. Chapter 2

**I may have messed up in the timing. Sorry :P Once again, I own nothing here.**

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It was morning. It was to be my first day of school. I chose to wear a tank top, mini-skirt, fishnet stockings and high heels topped of with my piss yellow parka this day. I was hoping to blend right in. I went down to find that Charlie had left already, not even wishing me luck on my first day. I hopped into my truck and drove to school, instinctively knowing where it was even though Charlie never told me and not once have I been there. I thought my awesome truck would draw too much attention, but most if not all the cars seemed to fair the same as mine. The "fanciest" car there was a Volvo with a "Kiss the Driver" bumper sticker. I went out the car and yelled "HELLO FORKS!" at the top of my lungs, hoping not to get too much attention.

Like a poor skanky looking nerd, I was lost already. Where the hell was the damn entrance to this school? "Hello there you must be Isabella Swan but since your eye twitched I'll just call you Bella!" a fast talking Asian greeted me. " My name's Eric I'm a total nerd I love Pokemon almost as much as I love you and I want to show you around." He told me before I could say anything.  
"Uhm thanks." I awkwardly said. "I see your first class is gym yay me too this way please!" He pushed me to the way.

Gym was easier than I expected. Sure my clumsiness (made to be a character flaw but was proved to be adorable) made me slip and bleed a couple of times. Sure, I hit two girls on the head with my feet (don't ask). But other wise, it was all good.  
"Hey there! You must be Isabella Swan" A blue eyed, pre-pubesent looking boy said. My eye twitched like crazy. "Cool," he said. "Is that a new greeting?" He asked, eye twitching.  
"Call. Me. Bella." I told him "Ok, hi Bella. We just met but I'm already inlove with you." "Uhm. Thanks but I only like totally hot, Greek god-like people. Or he doesn't have to be human. He could be totally dangerous and lacking depth. But he has to be hot." I told him as-a-matter-of-factly.  
"Oh. That's okay. I'll still follow you around like an annoying puppy that you just want to put to sleep. We have Biology together. Come on." He told me, still smiling.

The class had almost begun when we got there. The teacher pointed to the only available seat. It was next to a Greek god. The boy had reddish brown hair, perfectly done. His face was like angels sculpted it. He was the hottest person I've ever seen. But a frown was on his face, like he smelled something bad. Did he smell my fart? Damn, I hope no one else noticed. I sat next to him. He scooted as far away from me as possible. I think he was freaked out by the fact that I was just staring at him, all twitchy and awkward. He glared at me. I smiled back.


	3. Edward's Pov

EDWARD POV

It was the average biology class. All the girls, and some of the boys, were oggling the goods. My goods. I always wear tight-fitting clothes that show off my good physique. I hoped that this kept people away. I was a danger. Suddenly, a girl walked in. Not just any girl. She was like a walking rare cooked steak, smothered in stake sauce with a helping of golden crispy fries on the side. She made me very hungry. What also striked me was that I couldn't read her mind. I could see it, but much like a wordless and pictureless book, there was nothing. I frowned. She just farted. It smelled like steak sauce, which was what she basically smelled like. I scoot far away from her, or else I might eat her. Since the plot, or lack thereof, revolved around me and the new girl, class only seemed like 5 minutes and was not given much importance. The bell rang and I ran out of the room immediately.

It was lunch. I sat with my normal people. Hm, people. I sat with my adoptive brothers and sisters, who are all involved in incestuous relationships with each other. We like to keep it inside our little family. I felt all eyes on us, which was something we were all used to. We're very hot. That's why we hook up with each other; no one is hot enough for us.

The new girl started to stare at us. She wasn't even breathing anymore. I could see her lips move, she was talking to her friends. Asking about us, I was sure. She stared more. After about two minutes of her staring, I mouthed "You can't sit with us, you're not pretty enough." Sure enough, she turned away. I went back to pretending to eat. After a while, I felt her staring again. I stood up and went to the Volvo, to listen to my new Miley CD. 


	4. Chapter 4

**It's a little late, but get used to my late-ness. I don't own the Twilight stuff. Which i'm happy about. **

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That night, I had my first dream of Edward Cullen. I dreamed about his eyes, his nose, his hair, his.. everything. I was addicted. I dreamed we were in a meadow full of flowers and cute little bunnies. Since Edward was hot, i thought it'd be fitting that I dream of hot things. When I woke up in the middle of the night, because I do that, I thought I saw him standing on the corner of my room. He was watching me sleep. I thought that was very sweet and nice of him. I went back to sleep with the comfort of knowing he was watching me sleep. In my room. In my pajamas.

When I did wake up for school, I checked the corner of my room. No sign of anyone being there. There were a few crumbs of unknown food, but no Edward. I took a bath then went downstairs. As usual, Charlie wasn't there. Charlie does not really posses any good parenting skills. I then realized it was Saturday. I wouldn't be seeing Edward today. See, my life revolved around him now. I went back to my room to check my e-mails. I had 4 e-mails from my mom.

_Dear Bella,_  
_Since I just remembered I am a parent before a cougar, I had to check up on you. I hope you arrived safely there. How are you? How's my sad excuse for an ex-husband? How's the wettest place on earth? Is it sunny?_  
_Love, Mom._

_Dear Bella,_  
_You aren't replying. I give and I give and I give and you can't reply to one damn e-mail? Anyway, I'm having fun here. Are you having fun there?_  
_Love, Mom._

_Dear Bella, _  
_You ungrateful little *toot*! One e-mail. YOU CAN'T SEND ME ONE E-MAIL? Steve, or whatever the name of the guy I'm married to is, says hi. How's school?_  
_Love, Mom._

_Dear B*tch,_  
_I hate you for not replying. How's your social life?_  
_Hate, Mom._

I decided to reply to my mom. She must miss me.

_Dear Mom,_  
_I'm ok. How about you?_  
_Love, Bella_

I felt satisfied with the e-mail I sent my mom. I was so bored because I had no social life. I think everybody hates me, even though I have all these people who want to hang out with me. Only Edward matters. I lay down on my bed and started re-reading all the great classic books. Those books are now ruined because they were mentioned in the real book. After I finished reading about 7 books, I fell asleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**Own nothing. Sorry if all the chapters are too short. If i make it too long i get tired and cranky. and i don't like being tired and cranky. not one bit.**

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That monday, Edward was not in school. I was very unhappy and it seemed like the day dragged on because my life no longer has meaning without him (not that it ever did). Even though the only thing I knew about him was his name and the fact that he was freaking hot, he became my life.

Edward wasn't there on Tuesday either.

Wasn't there on Wednesday.

On Thursday, I was about to give up on ever seeing him. I sat down on my usual seat in biology, alone, becase nobody wanted to sit next to me. All of a sudden, pure hotness walked in and sat next to me.

"Hello," he started. "I don't believe I introduced myself properly. I'm Edward Cullen and I'm hotter that you will ever be." He told me, snapping his finger. "You must be Bella Swan."

I was surprised that he didn't call me Isabella like everyone did. I freaking hate Isabella.

"Hi. I'm new here." I told him. "I love you." I whispered.

"I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that last one.." He replied.

"I said I love your shoes. They're.. really black." I nodded to him.

"Oh. I got them at a discount store three blocks from here. I could take you there if you want. I'm sure they have these for women." He informed me.

"Sure, I'd love that. Those shoes are really cool." I smiled at him. We sat there. Talking about shoes. He knew a lot about me.

He walked me to my locker.

"So listen, we don't have the same class next. So I'm going to cut class because I'm THAT cool. And I think I forgot to record Hannah Montana. Kthnxbye." He dashed away.

"I love you too!" I yelled back.

"What?" He looked back at me.

"Uh. The shoes! Don't forget!" I weaseled out. My life was complete again.

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** I have no idea why I went to shoes and Hannah montana. **


	6. Chapter 6

**Sorry if there are mistakes in spelling. my spell checker isn't working.**

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The next snowy day...

I was standing near my truck, just staring at people until they got creeped out and ran away. Edward was watching me again. I could feel it. I love it when hot guys stare at me and stalk me. It makes me feel loved. Edward was on the other side of the parking lot. Remember this, I may need a witness.

A lot of things happened at once. Tyler's van came screeching towards me, Tyler could no longer control it. Damn ice. I thought I was about to die, so did many others. Which is why they were clapping. All of a sudden, I felt someone push against me and push away the van from me.

"AAH! Rape!" I yelled out. Then I looked at the guys face. OMG, It was Edward! He pushed me down and I hit my head. But before I went down, I looked at the van. There was a huge dent where Edward pushed it. It was near the "Come In, I have Candy" sign of the van. Then, I blacked out.

When I woke up again, I was in a hospital. Two people were looking at me. Charlie, and this really hot guy.

"I'm Dr. Cullen." He introduced himself.

"Edward's daddy?" I asked. He nodded. "Easy to see where he got his good looks from." I giggled.

"He's adopted." He replied.

"Oh.. I knew that." I muttered.

"Anyway, you have a concussion. Not that it matters, you're brain was already slow to begin with." He told me.

"Hey! That's my daughter!" Charlie yelled.

"No duh." Dr. Cullen replied.

"Where's Edward?" I asked. Dr. Cullen pointed to the outside. I ran outside.

"EDWARD! You saved me!" I yelled.

"I know." He replied.

"Thanks!" I told him.

"No probs." He replied.

"But how? You were across the parking lot!" I asked him.

"Oh. I'm a vampire with superhuman abilities." He told me.

"I mean.. it's like you had superhuman abilities.." I rambled on.

"I do have superhuman abilities. I have super speed and super strenght. Plus I can read minds. Except yours, but that's because It's empty." He replied.

"I mean.. almost like you had.. super strenght.. and super speed!" I rambled.

"I just told you I did." He frowned.

"Fine, don't tell me. Be that way." I glared at him. "I'll find out!" I stormed off.

"But I just explained it..!" He called after me.

The next day, by some miracle, I agreed to go with my friends to the beach. There we met these girls.. oh wait no. They're guys with really long hair. Wait. Hey. I know that guy. It's Jacob!

I walked along the shore with Jacob.

"What do you know about the Cullens?" I asked him.

"Oh. They're vampires and I'm a werewolf." Jacob explained.

"Why do they act so strange? They never eat.." I told him.

"Because they're vampires. They don't eat people food."

"It's as if they don't eat people food." I mused.

"I just told you.." He frowned.

"Nevermind. I'll figure it out." I cut him off. I walked away from him.

"LOVE ME BELLA! I HAVE KAZILLION ABS!" He yelled.


	7. Chapter 7

**Late. because the net was freaking out. i don't exactly follow the timeline of events.**

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The following day (days go by quickly when I'm not with Edward)..

"Bella." Edward called. "Wanna take a walk with me?"

"Sure.." I blushed. "Use me and abuse me!"

"What?" Edward asked.

"I said shoes. We didn't buy them yet." I told him.

"Oh. You remembered. Whatevs. Let's just take a walk."

So we did. We walked and nothing important happened. Yet At one point, I walked ahead of him. I felt him watching me.

"I know what you are.." I told him.

"Say it. Out loud."

"Werewolf."

"What? NO! Are you THAT stupid? Crap. I've been telling you, you're Fabio-looking friend Jacob's been telling you.. The only thing we didn't do was like post it on Facebook or Twitter. I'm a freaking VAMPIRE! This never happens to Dracula!" Edward angrily shouted. "Are you afraid?"

"uh,. well NOW I am! I wasn't before, but after you yelled, YEAH. You're veins are kind of.. popping out!" I stammered.

"Oh. Wait. Let me calm down. Ok. Are you scared now?" He asked, calm.

"Hm. Neh." I replied.

"Oh. K. As if you could out run me!" He told me. He ran. Super fast.

"Wait. You didn't even say we were racing!" I called after him.

"Oh yeah. Hey, wanna see the skin of a killer?" He asked me.

"Sure."

He opened a few of his buttons and stood under the sun. Then.. He sparkled.

"You're really pretty." I told him.

"Thank you."

"So you agree? You think you're really pretty?"

"I think I'm adorable. But this is the skin of a killer. Which is why you must stay away."

"Why? Because you rub glitter on your skin? That's scary how?"

"I'm a vampire.."

"Oh. You were serious? I thought we were playing a game."

Edward sighed. "Nevermind Bella. Let's just go get you some black shoes."

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**Lol, i loved the mean girls reference. **


	8. Chapter 8

After I learned Edward's secret, he decided it was time to meet his family. He suggested we play baseball.

"Baseball?" I asked.

"It's the American past time." He explained, smiling.

"But aren't you guys from Transylvania?" I asked, confused.

Edward sighed. "Nevermind Bella."

So we met up with his whole, hot, family near in some forest. It was kind of raining and thundering. Edward told me I'd see why they only played during thunder.

"Is it because you guys love having the flu?" I asked.

Edward rolled his eyes at me and told me to just come with him.

I could see why they only played during thunder. Whenever they crashed it sounded like two huge boulders hitting, or thunder. That was all that Edward and his huge idiot brother, Emmett, did. Crash into each other. All his b*tch sister, Rosalie, did was twirl her blonde hair and go "Emmett is like, so hot." Alice, the creepy sister, kept poking me and touching my hair.

"Why are you so obsessed with me?" I asked her. She didn't answer.

Jasper, the guy who never blinked, kept staring at me. I guess he thought the "very open eyed never blinking look" would be hot, but it was just really creepy. Dr. and Mrs. Cullen just kept their arms around each other. Nothing about Edward's siblings are worth mentioning, because they aren't important. All of a sudden, two guys and a girl walked up to us.

"Hey! Can we play?" The girl, Victoria, asked.

"Sure," dr. Cullen replied. "You guys can bat first." He added. Then he laughed.

The three newcomers and the Cullens stared at him.

"You know, cause we're vampires. BAT first. Bat.." He explained. "Ah nevermind. Tough crowd."

"Oh wait. Nevermind. We don't want to play anymore. We just want to eat the girl." The other guy, Laurent, told us.

"Oh noes! You can't have her." Edward told them, pouting.

"AAW. But we are hungry.." James, the other other guy, whined.

"Well too BAD!" Alice told them triumphantly.

"Fine. I'll just follow you home and try to steal her while you stop me. So then I'd pretend to kidnap her mom and then she'd go to me and I'd try to kill her but you come save her and kick my ass. My two partners will be useless in this scene." James explained.

"Ok. Take road 154, because 155 is too traffic." Dr. Cullen told them, hopping into the car.

"Ok thanks bye." James said, hopping into his own car (where'd that come from?)

"Since we're useless here, we'll just disappear." Victoria said. Then she and Laurent disappeared into thin air.

"K, road trip!" Emmett yelled.

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**About the baseball part.. I don't know anything about baseball so I just didn't really mention it much. sorry if there are spelling errors.. my spell checker is not working.**


	9. Finale

**Sorrry for the errors. :D **

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"Guys.. I think James is after me." I informed the Cullens, scared.

"Yes Bella. He told us that." Alice told me patiently.

"Oh. I think he'll trick me or something."

"He said that too."

"Oh."

We were in the Cullens garage now. I don't know why it seemed like they were preparing for war. James was out numbered. There were seven of the Cullens and one of him. They could all take him at once and get it over with. But no. They wanted the drama. Plus, I have pepper spray. Everybody knows that nobody and nothing can beat pepper spray.

"I don't understand why you guys can't take him all at once." I told them my thoughts.

"We're scared. And we take comfort in separation." Esme told me.

"I don't get why we're, like, protecting her." Rosalie told them, chewing her hair.

"Because the stupid plot (or lack thereof) tells us too, moron!" Alice exclaimed.

"Fine, geez."

I rode the car with Alice and Jasper. Alice drove and Jasper stared at me the whole ride. Near the hotel, I got a phone call from James.

"Oh hai!" I greeted.

"Hellows. It's me, James. I got your mom. Don't worry, I'm just pretending. Meet me at the ballet studio." He told me.

"OMG! Don't hurt my mom!" I yelled.

"I don't really have her. I'm just tricking you!"

"I'll come! Just don't hurt her!" I yelled. I slammed the phone shut. "Guys, drop me off over there." I pointed to the corner.

"Why?" Alice asked. Jasper stared at me, as usual.

"Uh.. I have to.. pee." I lied.

"Oh. Ok." Alice replied.

"Want me to come with you?" Jasper asked.

"No.. I'm good." I replied, creeped out.

I got out and walked to the corner. Then, when I was out of sight, I ran. To the ballet studio. When I got there, I was happy to find the door was unlocked. I went in. I followed the music. When I saw where the music was coming from, I was shocked. James was doing all these ballet moves.

"I could never do that." I told him.

"That's why I'm doing it. DANCE! Or else your mom, who I never really kidnapped, will.. Well, since she's not with me, nothing can happen to her.." James told me, holding up the video tape.

"Fine, just don't hurt her!" I started dancing. I danced and I danced. Then, I fell over some boxes.

"Hey are you okay?" James asked, concerned.

"No. Stay away. I'm okay." I told him. Then, since I was clumsy, as I stood up I tripped over my feet and hit my head on some rails.

"Ok, we should stop." James told me.

"NO!" As I stood up, I hit my head on the rails. Then Edward walked in.

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER?" He yelled at James.

"I swear, she did that to herself!" James told him defensively.

"I'll kill you!" And he did. Since this wasn't about our undying love, it's not worth mentioning.

"Edward! You saved me! I love you! Let's get married!" I yelled.

"Woah woah woah. Bella. I sparkle."

"I know."

"I wear tight clothes. Tight pants."

"What are you trying to say?"

"My hair is always perfect.."

"Yeah..?" I was confused.

"I wear make-up."

"So?"

"Bella," he sighed. "I'm gay."

:THE END:

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**I always hoped that twilight would end this way. This has been fun. Thanks for the reviews, review more if you wish. It's appreciated and yes, I do read them and I'm not just saying. I'll rest for a while, then maybe I'll make something new. K bye for now.**


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